The Georgie Gust Exhibit

The Delusional Thinking Process: To the Victor Go the Spoils

In the old days of war, the winning army pretty much got to loot the countryside and take what they wanted—wealth, crops, women, whatever. These would be the spoils of victory. In a relatively civilized setting, we tend to use this term symbolically or metaphorically. The winner (the victor, the victorious one, the one who gets the victory) gets whatever benefits go with the actual winning of the title, prize, award, office, or event. These can be formal or informal. That is, they can be a designated part of the prize (a gold medal, a contract with an athletic equipment manufacturer), or they can just tag along with it (celebrity status, free gifts, media attention, a boost in the winner’s love life).I don’t want to focus on the illness of schizophrenia when I don’t need to, but I do want to note some things I learned as I came out of my latest episode of delusion and minor psychosis, where paranoia was the overarching element.Early this morning, I am refreshed and out of any episodic states related to my illnesses. I’m now able to access what it was like, yesterday, when I blended back into this more normal life experience. I want to demystify what happened in my mind—in order to learn how to cope even better next time. I want to figure this whole darn craziness out. The more I grow, and grow more comfortable with this illness, primarily schizophrenia, the more I’m looking for answers, solutions, and understanding.I also did some thinking while the paranoid and delusional beliefs, along with my awareness of them, were still present.So I think about delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia. Then I’m going to start my day, meditate, have fun, and in a couple of hours attend my psychologist’s appointment, and then maybe edit part of one of my upcoming novels. But I will stay off the computer for the most part, I hope. I hope!It seems that I might more simply label hallucinations, delusions, and, in short, any psychotic feature as:• White/Black• Good/Bad• Good/Evil• Jesus/Devil• Christ/AntichristI think that I have had experience of several categories—and that one scenario will usually stand out, although many will in fact overlap. This may be:• Religion• Grandiosity/Celebrities• Aliens/Conspiracy/End of the World—DoomI made some of these notes during my episode, and more as I was coming out of it using my coping tools, of which these days I have many. I’m discovering that my delusions are for the most part rooted in some grain of truth. In a way, they would represent, were they to be mapped out, my entire worldview. The processes and the storyline are likely to have, I believe, a lot more back-story, subtext, metaphors, and symbols (to use terms from writing). As a writer, who knows about the craft, I think my knowledge helps me understand some of this schizophrenia material, and I am finding, although I am perhaps slightly biased, a correlation between writing theory and practice—starting with the idea that I am in general so fascinated with story.Some kind of historical context (Jung’s theories play a large part):“To the victor go the spoils.” The spoils of victory are the extra bonuses, perks, and treasure you get for winning.Killers will kill for money and power.Think of this the other way around, as our schizophrenic realities will often distort: “To the spoils go the victor.”Let’s amp that up to a more grandiose context. Perhaps: War and global catastrophe.People are out to get me (paranoia) for money, power, and status. I often believe that this is true.Then there’s the storyline. Maybe it’s because I am a writer, although I will often distort the story element in my writing, warping time, place, settings, and characters, as in my films (including On the Bus, Wax, Ten Years, and others) and in some of my novels.Story, story, story. The schizophrenic storyline—the delusional thinking process—is a healing process. Processes. I believe that this is the root of it all—that the storylines for me (and I would think for most suffering with schizophrenic or psychotic disorders—or thought disorders) are personal, synchronistic, and overlapping, and that symbols, mythology, and connections, even coincidences, take on a very deep and, once more, personal meaning, a very deep and personal context.I’m again digging a bit deeper into the vulnerabilities of psychosis, now that I am not currently experiencing an episode. Although my heightened awareness or metacognition often lets me know if and, it does not always.Symbolic stories. Someone’s tattoo of a cross might make me think that he (or she) is God—then I might confess my sins to a complete stranger. However, if I am aware enough, these days I can usually keep this to myself and believe wholeheartedly that yes, indeed, this person with the tattoo is God, no doubt, but I’ll just keep that secret to myself. This goes for any delusion. However, this then leaves me, and us, susceptible to actual theft or simply vulnerability, since if, and when, something of ours, or mine, is taken, stolen, I am somehow really and truly wronged. I often feel trapped with my secret of knowing this but having to pass it off as: “Okay, this isn’t real… if that man—the man with the cross tattoo—is probably not in fact God, then no, my pack of cigarettes was probably not stolen.”Kind of frightening because if I saw my house burning down, I would likely believe this was real. This particular symptom is a common one for me. However, if it really was burning down, I think that I would probably not do a thing about it, especially while in fear and stress from the event that I am experiencing, real or not. The police would come and I’d be locked up for being schizophrenic, for making a fake 911 call, and I’d be scared—with multiple reasons reasons to be scared.Please take note that some of the above writing has been paraphrased from my second novel, Second Alibi: The Banality of Life (2014).

It's Coming to Get Me: The Voices of Paranoia

Paranoia: The word is there, no doubt, in the dictionary.But not the feeling.Derived from the ancient Greek, 'paranoia' originally referred to a distracted mind. But distracted from what? The definition claims that the distraction is caused by false beliefs that someone is persecuting us. But if you or I are afflicted with paranoia, we know, wholeheartedly, that these are not delusions. People are harassing and persecuting us.Who the hell are they? Why the hell are they following us? What the hell do they want?We have become the target of a vast conspiracy stretching on invisible webs across the surface of the planet. It lives in the telephone wires, the cell towers, the papers, and even online—perhaps even inside the dictionary itself.  It spills out of radios and, these days, my iPod… the damn TV too. It nests in the hearts and minds of my family, friends and loved ones.And it’s coming to get me.There might be many reasons why they chose me, and why they chose you. But we have—in fact—been chosen, you know? People are jealous of us. After all, we’re smarter than “they” are. They are after our brilliant knowledge, our money, our ideas, our mind, and all the rest of our stuff. According to the dictionary, many of us paranoiacs have "feelings of grandiosity and omnipotence." But no book really understands, though there are some excellent ones out there, including: Understanding Paranoia: A Guide for Professionals, Families, and Sufferers by Martin Kantor; Delusional Disorder: Paranoia and Related Illnesses by Alistair Munro; and Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia by Ronald Siegel, the first page of which I have paraphrased slightly in this post, adding my own take given my own voices and current experiences with this diabolical perplexity.You and I really do possess remarkable talents. We are mathematicians—like "the Great John Nash!" Inventors (that would be me). Prophets (you?)… That’s why we are all so attractive and so inspired, so envied. There is nothing in life that we cannot accomplish.I haven’t slept in two days, and I currently fear a complete psychotic break from reality as a result of my life being its own thriller-movie conspiracy—of which I am, of course, the victim.This is no freaking joke. At this point I am aware that my beliefs are “only the schizophrenia,” but it’s for damn sure the truth and as frightening as all hell. Stuck. Trapped. No way out. But I have to keep running and playing along. In code. Like an FBI agent. Like John Nash’s character, as portrayed by Akiva Goldsman in A Beautiful Mind.Let’s raise awareness and figure out this perpetual labyrinth of chaos and deception before it becomes more than just seemingly so…Please note that some of the above has been paraphrased from my second novel, Second Alibi: The Banality of Life (2014).

Addiction and Schizophrenia by Jonathan Harnisch

My name is Jonathan, and I am a tobacco addict. Life goes on without smoking, but for now I fight for life. 

When Things Get Better

This was very interesting and well-written. I enjoyed your outlook on life, as I, like most others, have my bad and good days, and your piece really inspired me to put on a happier face. —Editor

GUST - THE ALIBI NOTEBOOK

New literary fiction by author Jonathan Harnisch, first edit. I am already drugged. I was, I am, and I have always lived in my own private hyperreality. That is what all of this, these words, the disjointedness, and the following fragmentation to come, the variation, and the skewed view of time, space, self, and others, and everything, is about. My consciousness has not been able to distinguish reality from a simulation of reality. I do not live in any technologically advanced postmodern society. I do not live. I do not die. I am a walking thought. I am a collection of them. I am myself. I am you. I am everybody on the earth plane who has ever lived. I am everyone who has not, and this confuses me at times. I am not God, nor a god, nor anything, nor being of the Divine. I am nothing but a recorder of collected thoughts and pieces of the world. There is no point. There is nothing. There is everything. And I am a tiny representation of a speck of hyperreality itself. That would be the best way to put it, at least for now. One might simply consider me completely insane.

If You Are Going Through Hell, Keep Going

Uplifting, inspirational and heartfelt audio-essay regarding the famous saying, If you are going through hell, keep going.

Getting Through an Episode

Getting Through an Episode by Jonathan Harnisch: The curtain opens. I am Jonathan. I have schizophrenia. I don’t want to make a big introduction. Perhaps some of you have read my work before. For me, schizophrenia is similar to what I have read. In the early material, from such turn-of-the-century psychiatrists as Kraepelin and Bleuler, there seems to be plenty of subgenres or comorbidities with this condition, which I have had since I was a boy. I believe my traumatic upbringing—at least for me, though not my sister, who was brought up in the same environment—likely set off my illness. A series of other, seemingly ongoing traumatic events in my adult life have created complications, as my doctor would call them. I experience manifestations of other mental health conditions from autism to borderline personality disorder, and my case, for lack of a better word, involves many symptomatic days and times, which often cycle rapidly. For example, my moods can fluctuate up to 30 times per day, with concomitant autistic experiences, and muscular manifestations and malfunctions. A significant number of the comorbidities of which I suffer, not only just happen and I deal with them, but rather they create reactions to even the simplest things. I battle through daily life. I experience confusion with electronic devices, which is likely and appropriately a common symptom of schizophrenia itself. I may need to reply to an email and I forget how to, or I go to turn on my computer and I forget how to find, much less press, the power button. At the opposite end, on another day, or even another hour, I am capable of solving advanced logic and mathematical problems. While I often forget the simplest things, I have a photographic memory. Let me back up for a moment… I left off my last essay, mentioning that I would be back writing during my next episode. And I am having an episode right now. Schizophrenia might be considered an umbrella disorder, though I am not a doctor of any kind. I consider myself an unemployed artist with a botched trust fund and a life that, in terms of conventional reality, doesn’t actually exist, so I create delusions, or in a way a double self—not a multiple personality, which is one of the myths of schizophrenia; this double reality, despite all the chaotically misfiring neurons in my brain, helps me to have experiences that replace the uncomfortable truths or situations that I prefer not to have. To exist. To be not myself, though loved ones have told me that there is a core, an “oversoul,” that is intact throughout my schizophrenic life. My thought has trailed off slightly while I was about to write one last bit on my episode, primarily consisting of paranoid thinking that I should keep on writing through my now former episode until I could break through it. That is what I do. I archive my writing. Often, and only when I am feeling symptomatic, I go back to the categorized collected written words that I have been documenting since I was a boy so that I can see what happened through my point of view and so learn how to cope better the next time. I take my writing to my therapist, explaining what happened. I often bring up with him that my life is incredibly synchronistic with my books, which consist of a series of 36 alibis of what makes me who I am so that I can know. So that I can understand and so that I can keep going and move the hell onward as I always do. I always come back. My intention for this essay was perhaps that it would be another inserted chapter in my literature, my books, my documentaries, my life, my art, and my reason. But that thought has now trailed off as well… and I had only begun what I referred to as what was not my beginning, or my introduction to this piece. What I would like to do now is simple: take a ten-minute break. Time goes on, with people coming in and out of my office and interacting with me, communicating. My goal now is to return to my laptop and recall the 5 minutes after my last break; I mean my cigarette break when I wrote the initial thought that trailed off. Things change. Holy cow, things change. I am back. But I can’t stop now without completing this piece, my three-act play, my opera, where I am not the conductor but feel I should be, naturally, if I did not have schizophrenia. I was the violin section. I was beating the melodic tom-tom drum. I was the full orchestra performing live, both alone and with an audience. Together, all the musical instruments communicating with each other, creating a rusty fragmentation, if you will, communicating with me, at my core. I’ll take a break now, and I will recap how I got through this one, this brief setback, and the five minutes that changed everything. I know I can recall what happened. And I will. I never intentionally abandon what I am doing at any moment. Again, I always move ahead. There is at least some sun after the storm. If I can stay on track, or if not, while I still play this out live, some might be able to see the stream of thought that is my specialty, where I present a typical day living with schizophrenia. And I’ll call it a good day at this point. I can’t lose what I already have. If I do, I will grab something else and run with that. In summary, if I am able (for thoughts still bombard my psyche, overlapping and wild) I will, and if not, I will just move the hell on. And let this go. I should have better things to do than to examine my day-to-day experiences with schizophrenia. And you know what? Maybe I will. However, I can’t leave anyone hanging. The show is not over yet. The chips are not down. I will simply do my best to finish on the stage, close the curtain, and become the director, the switchboard operator in my head. I have nothing to lose now. I am at war. Just not in combat; I am now in reserve. So let’s get to some meat, the heart of this, and some completion. Something. Anything. It is all so confusing and stressful. Stressful? Damn right. But it fuels me. It fuels everything. No matter what those 5 minutes involved, from overlapping tears and a hardcore crying spell, followed by re-centering a crooked picture on the wall, to having a can of soda and a smoke, a cigarette smoke mind you. Nothing more. I can laugh now. Maybe it doesn’t matter. My brain chemistry changed, all on its own. I am back again. I have returned another time from within the hallways of going deep into Wonderland, and back and forth. That is something I am used to. The sun is now out, at last and at least for now. Until, well, we’ll just see what comes next. Roll credits. Insert title card: The End. Fade Out.* *Amendment: There is no end. I walk off stage. The seats are empty. I am back in real life. Well, sort of. The story of my life with schizophrenia continues. The curtain draws shut. You can also find Jonathan on Google+, Facebook, and Twitter, which is his preferred social media site. Author Jonathan Harnisch has written a semi-fictional and semi-autobiographical bestselling novel, Jonathan Harnisch: An Alibiography, which is available on Amazon and through most major booksellers. He is also a noted, and sometimes controversial, mental health advocate, a fine artist, blogger, podcast host, patent holder, hedge fund manager, musician, and film and TV writer and producer. Google him for more information.

THE DREAM - FIRST EDIT (2015) - HD

A meditative exploration that takes place within the subconscious mind of Jonathan Harnisch, a brilliant man whose waking hours are tedious and dull, but whose dreams are lucid and powerful.

5 Days in Corrales - First Edit-HD

I have been quite busy today once again, here on Wednesday, August 12, 2015. I invite you to view this first edit of an otherwise never been seen before glimpse in the halls and vaults of where my creative gifts derive from the initial outline inventing the patent for the first virtual retail interface in 1991, as a school project, in layman's terms, it means I created online shopping when I was 15 years old. The documents will be published relatively soon to the public, sometime this year, after some 25 years, which have now passed. Further my literary works, film, fine and visual arts and obscure creations of my otherwise madness, "brilliance, genius," what-have-you. This film is private with access only to my friends on my new Facebook page, as I keep busy with the stock and bond markets in Europe this evening in from US, complete my next film called The Dream for release in 2015 and write my third and final draft of a piece I wrote 20 years ago, for The New Yorker, which I will also share with you soon.

Audiobook | Heart of the Sunrise by Jonathan Harnisch | Second Draft & Intro

My apologies for not publishing the second of three drafts total of Heart of the Sunrise which upon completion of Heart of the Sunrise Third Draft, it will also be its final draft written with intention for publication in The New Yorker and similar magazines and writing contests and I will be working on its corresponding notes, query letter, synopsis and outline. Thank you. ?From the previously published First Draft: “Heart of the Sunrise” is a chronicle of my struggles with mental illness and my efforts to use writing and writing therapy to work through these difficulties, and the story of Georgie Gust, a fictionalized version of my teenaged self. Georgie Gust attends a prestigious prep school, where he wrestles with his Tourette’s Syndrome as well as his romantic feelings for the beautiful Claudia. Claudia is an intelligent and mature young woman who is willing to look past Georgie’s tics and see him for the inquisitive, intelligent young man that he is. As their relationship progresses through midnight excursions off school grounds, the exchange of passionate letters, and profound conversations about philosophy and God, Georgie also struggles to confront the truth about his other afflictions and what they mean for his future. You can find me on Google+, Facebook, and Twitter, my preferred social media site. I have written a semi-fictional and semi-autobiographical bestselling novel, “Jonathan Harnisch: An Alibiography,” which is available on Amazon and through most major booksellers. “Heart of the Sunrise” is the next installment of my “Alibiography” series. Other books of mine include “Sex, Drugs, and Schizophrenia,” “Glad You’re Not Me,” “Porcelain Utopia,” “Freak,” “Of Crime and Passion,” and “The Oxygen Tank.” I am also a noted, and sometimes controversial, mental health advocate, fine artist, blogger, podcast host, patent holder, hedge fund manager, musician, and film and TV writer and producer. “Heart of the Sunrise” had begun as a work of non-fiction, in which the author describes, through a series of short, deeply personal essays, his struggle with mental illness and the general sense of alienation brought on by his altered perception of reality. Through this writing therapy, the author attempts to reconcile the exhausting nature of his affliction with his desire to create art and engage with the world around him. Taking the reader on a profound journey through the mind of someone wrestling with schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress disorder, and Tourette’s Syndrome, among other things, the author shares insights as he seeks catharsis. The story of Georgie Gust comprises the latter, main portion of the manuscript. Switching to a fictionalized narrative, the author tells the story of Georgie first by providing a detailed character analysis and then following Georgie through his time at prep school. Although his Tourette’s Syndrome sets him apart from the rest of his classmates, it does not deter the mature and beautiful Claudia from pursuing a relationship with him. Seeing Georgie as more than a series of tics, Claudia recognizes him for the unconventional intellectual that he is, and together they explore a number of theological and philosophical questions that defy neat and simple answers. Nevertheless, Georgie and Claudia’s encounters, whether they take place wandering illicitly off campus at night, through letters and emails, or simply in the hallways and classrooms of their school, have the power to change them both forever. However, Georgie must also confront the fact that there is more troubling him than Tourette’s Syndrome, and that this, too, may irrevocably alter his fate. When We Were InvincibleHeart of the SunriseA brief meditation on life and death.Victorian DreamGeorgie begins narrating his story in earnest, beginning with an attempted suicide attempt and flashing back to his diagnosis with Tourette’s Syndrome. Unhappy at home with his family, Georgie enrolls in boarding school at Saint Michael’s Academy. He gives the family of a prospective student a tour, and when they arrive at his secret “crying place,” Georgie is surprised to learn that not everyone necessarily has or needs a private place to cry. Disconcerted, Georgie realizes this is one more thing that sets him apart from his peers. However, he does befriend Shawn, the prospective student, when he enrolls at Saint Michael’s, and the two boys engage in adventures like sneaking off campus in the middle of the night, wandering around town, and engaging with drunks and bums, those whom others might avoid. Claudia, Georgie’s girlfriend, joins them on one of these evenings. Shawn soon leaves the couple alone, and together Claudia and Georgie walk the dark, deserted streets talking about the existence of God.In class, Georgie is underwhelmed by the intellect of the other students; only Claudia’s mind impresses him. Claudia is equally taken with Georgie; she sees past his Tourette’s Syndrome and admires his sharp, inquisitive intellect. Together, they explore profound questions of meaning, philosophy, and theology, as well as their deep feelings for each other. However, even as they declare themselves, Georgie struggles to articulate to Claudia that what troubles him is much more than Tourette’s Syndrome, and while their relationship may leave an indelible mark on his soul, it’s what’s happening inside his mind that may change the rest of his life.PostscriptDreaming of a Ridiculous ManJumping ahead in time, Georgie recounts what became of him in the years after leaving Saint Michael’s.Something Altogether Different to the PrecedingA Literary Look Into What’s ForthcomingThe author concludes with a recounting of his current situation and tenuous mental state.