When Things Get Better by Jonathan Harnisch

“We all have problems, but let's not kid ourselves: it's how we deal with them that makes the difference. … Don't let people make you feel bad or guilty for living your life. It is your life. Live it the way you want.”  ~Anon.

As a survivor of severe trauma that led to dissociative disorders and schizophrenia, I hope to inspire courage and resilience in others with these problems. I post and publish what I feel, no matter what mood or state of mind I’m in, but I always do my best to keep things positive. I admire people who maintain a positive attitude even when they’re having bad days. We all have our battles, but that doesn't mean we have bad lives. A negative mindset will keep you from having a good life. The world suffers a lot due to the silence of good people. Keep going! Keep hope and faith alive! Everyone’s struggles are real, but this is why I support talking about mental health.

Today I endured my most symptom-filled morning in months if not years. I have severe schizophrenia. It's all in my mind, of course, and yes, you could say my mind is “diseased.” But it’s not like I can return it to the brain exchange or something.

Anyhow, my favorite band is Duran Duran, and today I finally decided to take a break from listening to their song “Too Close to the Sun” on repeat and chain smoking while taking in a ton of fluids. My projected lifespan has been shorted by 30 years, and I just turned 40 in January, so I’m working hard to leave a legacy of what I hope is brilliant art, as that is the gift I was born with and it has been a blessing. Thank God, though, I’ve lost the capacity for off-the-charts IQ and such as my health declines overall. My point is to live in the moment. Right now, I am playing “Too Close to the Sun” on my iPhone, and it’s not saving my life, but it does soothe my mind. It’s what I have but also what I need. In a way, it’s what I am, if that makes sense; it is a temporary relief from the chaos in my mind. Right now, I feel one thing: relief. Thank you, Lord God.

I am crying now, alone, out of bittersweet joy because, as I work on in my novel. I will disclose its title in this post, as I know now that it, not my “Alibiography,” is my legacy; it’s called, “When We Were Invincible.” I actually wrote it in 1995, during the summer between my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. In it, there is a scene in which the main character is captivated by a portrait of Christ on the Baltic Sea, and he hears Him saying, “How could you have forgotten me?” He comes of age shortly afterward.

And that’s what has happened since I wrote the book. I forgot about God. He won’t cure me, but He has been there all this time for me. I’m crying tears of bittersweet joy. I remember Him. I will forget at times. I understand, however, and I feel relieved right now as Simon Le Bon says, “All you need is now.” It’s a good line, so naturally it’s the title of the track and the album. Amen. 

Last night, I decided to express myself using my many creative outlets, podcasting. The theme for the cast came to me straight away: “When Things Get Tough in Life.” I could have gone with the title “Stigma,” though, once I was well into what I recorded. I’m not particularly proud of the cast’s content. It was one of two I’ve been unhappy with in the roughly 200 or so episodes I’ve made for a rather wide audience. My audience members are primarily people seeking self-help, motivation, inspiration, etc. They are likely the reason I’m here, as they give my life purpose, regardless of how or where I express and share my unconditional love with those who need it most. Sometimes I even just visualize love and light and simply send it spiritually.

Of course, I’ve felt cornered and victimized before too. To be frank, I don’t feel such things often. I vent verbally, so now I’m writing through the morning. I feel as if what I write is channeled through me from some divine entity. I tend, in my healing process, to shy away from topics like religion, government, and conspiracies, as I’ve learned that these topics make me susceptible to delusional thinking, which could eventually lead me to experience a schizophrenic break from reality—something that hasn’t happened to me in years.

I have learned that when people are rude they are revealing who they are, not who I am, so I do my best not to take it personally. I have learned when everything seems to be going wrong to take a minute and remind myself of everything going right and not to dwell on those who let me down but to cherish those who lift me up. 

I prayed this morning. I have not done so in years. I said, “Lord, today I ask that you bathe those who live in pain in the river of your healing. Amen.” I am proud of this because it put my mind at ease. Positivity always wins, as do love and gratitude. These truths escape me at times, but I believe they are part of why I continue to survive, struggling, not suffering, through the minefield—the deep darkness and confusion—that is schizophrenia.

Perhaps I am stronger than I think. Perhaps I am even afraid of my strength and turn it against myself, thus making myself weaker, making myself insecure, making myself feel guilty. Perhaps I am most afraid of God’s strength in me. Perhaps I would rather be guilty and weaker than strong in Him whom I cannot understand.

This whole thought process began recently when I learned I was nearing the end of my struggle. I confronted my father for all the harm he’d caused over the past several decades. It has been a challenge, to say the least, but I am proud I spoke my mind to my father. I felt it was a necessary part of my healing process.

As they say, sometimes you have to be your own hero.

This day is brand new. This moment is fresh and clean. The future is a blank canvas waiting to receive the lives we’ll create. Life is full of twists and turns that often derail the best of souls. Resolve in this moment to continue your journey by honoring the gifts God’s given you. If you have fallen off the path, decide to reestablish that connection to whatever fills your heart with gladness. It is never too late to realize your soul’s purpose. Do not let “time” fool you into a state of despair. You have the ability to reunite with your true self.

But the question is how?

By embracing all your experiences (yes, even the bad ones), you can strengthen yourself for the journey and ensure that this time there’s a better outcome. Appreciate the difficult times, for they often set your life back on track. Appreciate what you’ve set in motion, while taking your mind, heart, and soul to the next level of participation. Appreciate the day in the moment. Dwelling in the past makes it difficult to build your future. If you have pushed the proverbial boulder uphill without a struggle appreciate your own tenacity. If you have tried for a long time to push that same boulder uphill and still haven’t succeeded, examine the worth of the boulder, not your own.

Sometimes it’s better to let go, allowing the boulder to roll back down the hill and find someone else to push it. This releases you to travel up the hill with ease alone. Fill your moments with expectations, for when you reach the top of the hill there will be unlimited opportunity. You might find the boulder really wasn’t necessary at all and the important moment was your feeling of freedom.

Appreciate that feeling.

Though I have contemplated many things since publishing my last essay, there are a few thoughts I feel are worth sharing. I collect such thoughts and place them in what I call my “mental toolbox” or “mental first-aid kit.” This works for me.

Every time I get upset about something, I ask myself, if I were to die tomorrow would it have been worth wasting my time being angry about it. I let that sink in. … Today will never come again. Be a blessing; be a friend; encourage someone; take the time to care and let your words heal, not wound.

“The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.” ~Anon. 

I feel better and stronger now as I await my end. I am strong enough to carry the world on my shoulders. I am stronger than the challenges I face.

So I smile. 

And my smile might be worth a thousand words, but sometimes, it seems its value is even greater. A simple smile creates its own silent message. In many cases, a smile takes on a specific meaning because of the surroundings, or context, in which it occurs. As a popular quote goes, “Just because a person is always smiling doesn't mean he has no problems. ... But the smile shows he has ability to overcome those problems.” 

And, in closing, I’ll leave you with something I once wrote: “How simple it is to acknowledge that all the worry in the world can’t control the future. How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time that isn’t now.” ~Jonathan Harnisch, Jonathan Harnisch: An Autobiography