August 13, 2016
E-Mail (Saturday, August 13, 2016) To My Father, Wife, Psychiatrist, and Psychologist: I do not care if all of you are sleeping. My wife took me off Klonopin, canceled blood disorder doctor, canceled trip to Colorado to get more medical marijuana, and is hiring a lawyer. Meantime, I had let go of Mary. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I look at you all and I see complete strangers. I hate everything. You hate me. Good for you. Fuck my life. Why keep trying? When no one gives a shit. My Current Feelings: listless, moody, lethargic, gloomy, dismal, discontented, tired, indifferent, unsure, impatient, dependent, unimportant, regretful, bashful, puzzled, self-conscious, edgy, upset, reluctant, timid, mixed-up, sullen, provoked, suspicious, envious, enmity, aversion, dejected, unhappy, bored, forlorn, disappointed, wearied, inadequate, ineffectual, helpless, resigned, apathetic, shy, uncomfortable, baffled, confused, nervous, tempted, tense, worried, perplexed, troubled, disdainful, contemptuous, alarmed, annoyed, provoked, disgusted, resentful, bitter, detested, fed-up, frustrated, sad, depressed, sick, dissatisfied, fatigued, worn-out, useless, weak, hopeless, forlorn, rejected, guilty, embarrassed, inhibited, bewildered, frightened, anxious, dismayed, apprehensive, disturbed, antagonistic, vengeful, indignant, mad, torn, hate, unloved, abhor, despised, angry, hurt, miserable, pain, lonely, cynical, worthless, impotent, futile, accursed, abandoned, estranged, degraded, humiliated, shocked, panicky, trapped, horrified, afraid, scared, terrified, threatened, infuriated, furious, exhausted. I'll be okay. Is that what you want me to say? This is coming out of fear, and I know I should take a moment to breathe before say this, but I've had it with you all I'm done. Let me rot in fucking hell completely and utterly alone. No more caregiver plain and simple either. Fucking done fucking goddamn done you guys fuck this shit I'm done I'm fucking done... with all of you.
-- Jonathan Harnisch